As I have a platform here I what to let you know the things that annoy me. I am sure I annoy people with things that I do, so feel free to get your own platform and say what annoys you about me. Fortunately, I don’t name people, only their actions, so if you are guilty of any of these things, then I am talking to you! Here are my rants
1. Lifts
Why do people press the up and down buttons for lifts at the same time. They can only go one way? Do they think the down lift will change its mind and become the up lift just because you pressed the button? Don’t they realise that they are stopping somebody else’s journey if the lift stops for them in the direction they don’t want? What idiots!
Solution: Ideally, I would want these people executed when they press both buttons, but murder isn’t legal, yet! So, when the up and down buttons are pressed within seconds of each other, the lift is programmed to not stop at that floor in any direction for 5 minutes.
2. The buffet
At a buffet people fill their plate until they can’t get any more food on, as though the buffet is going to run out the moment they leave the table. Then they realise they have taken too much food and don’t eat it all. Not only is this a waste it is infuriating.
Solution: Every buffet should have a clown in it (big shoes, red nose and scary face). When somebody goes to leave the restaurant and have left food on their plate, the clown grabs the half full plate and shoves it down the persons trousers, or if a woman, her knickers.
3. Overtaking on the inside
OK, even I have been guilty of this on the occasion aunt Mildred is doing 40 mph in the middle lane of the motorway. I am talking about the idiots who zoom up the inside lane (sometimes even the hard shoulder) then weave in front of a car in the middle lane to then get ahead of the traffic in the outside lane. Most of these people drive BMW’s.
Solution: We have technology through ANPR to know who these drivers are and where they live. At night send a swat team in to shove 3 medium size potatoes up the rear exhaust pipe of the car. Ever tried starting a car with potatoes up the exhaust? Better still, have you ever tried to remove 3 potatoes from an exhaust pipe?
4. ICEd chargers
This is when a car with an Internal Combustion Engine (ICE) deliberately parks in an electric charging spot. We know it is because they are jealous and again a lot of these are BMW drivers.
Solution: Each charging spot will be engineered so that once the weight of a car in registered on the parking place and not plugged in to charge within 5 minutes, spikes shoot up all around the car and can only be released when the driver pays £150 instant fine on the card reader.
5. Disabled parking
People are so lazy. If there are no parking spaces close to the front of Lidl, they park in a disabled spot without a blue badge. They think that as they are not going to be long, it will be fine.
Solution: Employ a black belt from the local karate club and when the driver returns to their car, the black belt does a crushing heel kick above their right knee. They will then be disabled enough to park in the spot.
6. BBC presenters
This is a little controversial but true. Have you noticed now that on the BBC the majority of new presenters or on location reporters are either woman or from a minority group? Nothing against any reporter that is very good at their work, but are you telling me that all the white, attractive male reporters have died? Where is the balance?
Solution: As most presenters sit behind a desk or on location are generally filmed from the waist up, a new rule at the BBC should be that all presenters have to go topless. It will either reduce woman presenters or increase the ratings. And yes Jimmy Carr, you can use this one in your show.